We all have those days when we aren’t in the mood to bang for any particular reason.
So, we shrug off sex with the old, “I have a headache, babe” or “I’m kind of tired.”
Being a woman, I must attest those excuses are legit, most of the time.
However, on the days we want it, there’s nothing getting in the way, right?
As much as we’re craving sex in that moment, there are some very particular issues that can take us from 100 to 0 in a heartbeat.
Some reasons are more extreme than others, but that doesn’t make any of them less important (or less annoying).
Your body is flowing with oxytocin, and you’re ready to rage in a sweaty, passionate hump session until one of these things kills the f*ck out of your vibe:
Because of Her:
1. I forgot I’m on my period.
Nothing is worse than getting turned all the way on and not getting the dick because of that stupid four-to-seven-day hell. You’re already on edge and horny AF because your body is cradling an unfertilized egg.
So, what to do in this situation? If he’s down, take it into the shower where the mess will be drained away.
If he’s not that adventurous, you’re f*cked. (Oh wait, you’re actually not…)
2. I think my period’s over. No, it’s really light. But, I checked this morning…
So, there’s the period thing, and then there’s the period thing, again. Those last light days are the absolute worst because you’re just tired of waiting.
You feel like your f*cking ovaries are going to explode if you don’t get some.
You checked this morning and saw nothing in the panty liner, so later that night you want to play.
As he starts going down, you stop him in extreme frustration because you’re just not sure.
3. I didn’t shave.
Keeping the kitty tamed is no easy task. I mean, we all wish it could be baby smooth all the time, but it just isn’t (especially on those in between wax or shave days where you’re just too busy to give a sh*t).
But when it comes to sex, it’s just not pleasant being fuzzy down there.
It sucks so bad when he’s dying to eat it, and you just can’t let him due to the fact you haven’t shaved.
I guess some guys don’t mind a hair pie, but I’m not about that life.
4. Ugly undies
Now, I know guys probably argue panties are the last thing they care about because the best thing in life is what’s under them, but we all have those couple pairs of torn, ugly or granny panties that are our saviors when it gets close to laundry day.
We just have nothing else to wear. And, at times, we get some unexpected excitement on those days. Torn panties aren’t cute — unless he tore them, and grannies are just plain ugly.
(Pro tip: Tell him to close his eyes so you can slip them off, bunch them up and hide them. When he opens his eyes, he won’t even care to ask where they went, let alone what they look like.)
Because of Him
5. Bad breath
I simply cannot stand bad breath, not even if the guy is Greek god-esque. I like kissing during sex, so if your breath smells like a sewer, you aren’t getting any, bro.
And what’s more awkward than saying, “Um, your breath smells bad,” while he’s trying to get you naked?
It’s an all-around bad situation. Guys, brush them up real good, please. #SorryNotSorry.
6. Stank dick
So, you don’t need to have an STD or STI to have stank dick. All it takes is a quick little walk in 80-degree weather, and things get more than a little moist down there.
Needless to say, if you don’t wash up, it gets smelly. Now, you could be a real clean guy and all, but if it smells “off,” I’m not going anywhere near that thing.
The smart thing to do, if you’re expecting to get laid, is to run to the bathroom quickly and freshen up down there. Be a gentleman.
7. Smelly pits
During sex, there are many positions that include our arms either being up or wrapped around the other person.
I personally like the whole “hold my arms above my head” thing, which requires his pits to be fully exposed on both sides of my face.
So, if your pits smell like onions, I’m going to vomit in my mouth. Double-check before you get into bed! It’s a major turnoff.